il Giardino Romantico

There is no future.

未來不存在。

Upon my arrival to my hometown, Taiwan, I was unhappy.  I was unhappy because I kept on dwelling on the thought that the happy life that I had so used to had come to an end.  I have no future because I do not have a job, and consequently will be unable to do the things I want to do or get the things I want to get for a while.  I had a very limited budget on which I can live.  I am unable to relax because I had gotten so used to doing things at my own pace and on my own accord.  I reported to no one, was not dependant on anyone, and neither was I responsible for anyone but myself.  Spending time with the family is obviously a reward in itself, but I find myself constantly thinking about others, and forgetting myself.  'I want to go out, but I'd better ask because they might have other things planned.'  'I want to eat this, but I'd better ask, because it would seem rude if I didn't.'  'I'd like to relax and not think or do anything for a while, but I'd better start looking for a job soon because...'  All these thoughts run across my mind a million times a day.  I was never left alone, yet I felt as lonely as I had ever felt, and consequently, the negativity and virulence soon sprouted from the lack of joy.

當我返鄉的那一剎那，我開始變得很不快樂。不快樂的原因是因為我一直回想著已經結束的快樂生活。我沒有未來，因為我目前還是處於無業狀態。沒有工作就沒有資金做自己想要做的事情、買自己想要的物品。現有的資金非常的有限。我也無法完全放鬆，因為我早就習慣了依照自己的步調做事情。我不須向任何人報告、我不需要依賴別人、也不用對任何人負責任。雖然與家人相處的時光是無價的，但我發現我時常顧慮別人卻忘了自我。『我想出門、可是我還是問一下家人有沒有已經安排計畫好了。』『我想吃這個，但我還是問一下大家有沒有也想要吃的不然不禮貌。』『我想要完全放鬆不要想任何關於工作的事情，但是...』種種思緒一整天下來在我腦子裡來回好幾遍。雖然家裡總是有人在，可是我卻感到無比的寂寞。也更因為這樣，使得我無法快樂。少了快樂，當然負面的思緒也就緊接著來。

Then, I managed to take some time off and spent it with myself.  I was given a book by a very dear friend, and after perusing only a few pages, I realised what was wrong with me.  It was not culture shock that was causing the negativities, neither was it the weather.  It was time.  I loved what was and think about what will or may be.  But I forgot to think about NOW.  I've come to realise that the reason why people have enjoyed looking at the photos of me taken in the UK was because I was truly happy there.  And the reason why I was truly happy, was because I focused on the NOW.  When I was with my friends, I enjoyed the company.  When I visited the different cathedrals and churches, I indulged myself in the present moment where I could smell the whole history in the sacred air.  Even when I was stressed out from the pressure of meeting deadlines, I was focused on the NOW, where I had to keep writing to get the work done.  I rarely thought about the past.  I did not think about the future. 

後來我終於找到了機會獨處。一位好友送了一本書給我。沒讀幾頁我就開始發現我的問題所在。這不是因為文化衝擊，也不是因為天氣悶熱。而是因為『時間』。我愛著過去，並夢想著未來。但我尚未思考到『當下』。我終於明白為何大家都稱讚在英國拍的照片中我『變漂亮』。那是因為我當時後體驗到的是真正的快樂。當我與朋友共處時，我珍惜著每一刻與他們共處的時光。當我拜訪不同教堂時，我享受著從氣味中散發出來的古老歷史的氣息。即使我在趕作業的時候，我依然還是在『當下』思考中。當時的我，很少去想到過去，也從來沒有考慮過將來。

When I realised my problem, the world began to change around me.  I started seeing light around me, and the things that I hated became things that I could laugh at and about.  I could do this because I was withdrawn from it all.  I am in it, but I am not of it.  I lost my way because I had forgotten the significance of the NOW.  The present moment.  I can dream of things to come, and savor the things that have been, but it is the present that I must learn to enjoy in order to BE. 

而當我了解我的問題所在後，我身邊的事物開始有了很大的轉變。我開始發現陽光的照耀。即使是我之前憎恨的東西，現在它們都成為了一個笑點。我現在可以做到這樣，是因為我知道我不屬於那個圈子。我是一個旁觀者。我迷失了，因為我忘了『當下』的重要性。我可以繼續夢想著未來，並且沈醉於美好的過去，但是要真正的快樂，真正的回歸到自我，我還是必須要懂得活在當下。

I've created problems in my head without realising that they are only illusions that torment the mind.  'There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.' (Hamlet) 'The mind is its own place.  In itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven.' (Paradise Lost)  I can go on all I want, hating what is around me, regretting the end of a glorious past, and dreaming of what I don't know will or will not become.  But I will never be happy this way.  I am my own self.  So long as I am in the NOW, I am myself.  And so long as I am myself, I am happy.

我在我自己的腦海中製造了一些問題。這些問題卻只不過是折騰腦袋的幻覺罷了。哈母雷特說『這是上沒有任何好或不好的事情。都是自己想出來的。』彌爾頓的失樂園中撒旦也提到：『腦子是一個獨立的地方。一個人可在腦子裡將天堂化為地域，也可將地域化為天堂。』我可以繼續思考我有多麼討厭我現在身邊所接觸到的一切，也可以繼續想像著未來的未知數。但是這樣並不會使我快樂。只有在我真正能夠體驗當下，我才是回歸到自我。只有我回歸到自我之後，我才能夠真正的快樂。

Note: The book that was mentioned in the article is called 'The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Englightenment', by Eckhart Tolle.
註：文中提到的那本書，書名做：The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment。作者為Eckhart Tolle。

天仙念：很多人都認為我很懂得『道理』。也認為我很會安慰別人。其實我只是很會安慰自己。每當自己碰到難關時，總是會幫自己找到一條通路。所以原本這篇應該是要保留給自己看的，我最後卻決定將它完全的公開。因為我認為，除了要勉勵自己之外，或許也會適用在別人身上。