il Giardino Romantico

 
曾經有朋友跟我這樣說：這個世界這麼亂，打死我也不生小孩。
當時我不太能理解他這樣的想法，但也只能尊重。年初知道自己懷孕沒多久後遇上太陽花事件。不只是台灣不和平，泰國、韓國、越南甚至世界各地都有傳出各種令人擔憂的負面新聞。有時候我會刻意避開，寧願看東Ｘ無聊的比價新聞，也不願看到任何關於死亡、叛亂、戰爭等影響情緒的新聞。太陽花學運我可以不發表意見，因為服貿我至今沒搞懂來龍去脈，其實是不便發表意見。但21號晚上，當我跟大家一樣，若無其事地坐上板南線，打開手機滑幾下才發現驚人的事件竟然就發生在我上捷運沒多久！此時，全民都有資格發表自己的言論了！
我不知道是不是每個媽媽都會這樣，但我很早就開始跟北鼻講話。一開始，我只是跟他說希望他健康成長。後來我越來越貪心，希望他健康之外，也希望他快樂。但後來想想，萬一他曲解了我的意思，把自己的快樂建築在別人的痛苦上怎麼辦呢？於是我又追加了一條：希望他做個有用的（好）人。有的時候我會跟他說，這世界上有很多很美好的事物，等著他來探險、發掘、享受！直到捷運事件發生，我心裡卻是想著：我都不知道該跟北鼻說這世界還有什麼好期待的！做個捷運也都有可能會被砍死！我突然有點明白我朋友為什麼這麼堅持不生小孩了！
而就在媒體拼命的流傳血腥畫面，大家都在為兇嫌找標籤貼上想要試圖幫他找個代罪羔羊：為什麼學校沒發現？他一定是沉迷暴力電玩！的同時，我心裡只想問：他的家人呢？我很好奇他爸媽是什麼樣的人。到底是放縱他太多，還是管到他喘不過氣來才會這樣？但似乎沒有人想知道，因為事隔24小時之後才有關於他父母的新聞出現。而在此之前，大家一昧著覺得媒體一直報導他是東海人，所以他殺人，東海一定得負責啊！
但這到底關東海什麼事？
他來東海才多久？要怪到教育，怎麼不怪到他待了六年的國小？各三年的國高中？反而怪到他只待了短短還不到一年的東海頭上？
我一直不覺得東海必須為這件事情附上任何的責任。但是昨天下班後看到東海秘書室發出的信函，感動了不僅是東海人，而是全民大眾。
東海大學給全體教職員的一封信
過去二十四小時，我們都共同經歷了一段令人震驚、遺憾與悲傷的一天。我們第一次感受到新聞畫面不只是消息事件，更是如此靠近生命與幸福的一切...鄭捷同學不僅是一位去年暑假轉入環工系的大二學生，一夜之間我們都發現了在東海的每一個人，無論憂喜勝敗，都是我們的家人，我們愛著他們，卻也不夠愛他們。

因為是家人，所以我們除了遺憾鄭捷同學錯誤的行為，更對社會深感不安，及對無辜的受害人與家屬表達慰問之意，這件事已經進入司法程序，學校除了全力配合檢警機關偵辦，更有些話想與每一位東海人分享。

過去近一個月，學校曾透過教官與學生輔導平台，轉介並了解關心身為轉學生的鄭捷同學，但過程中沒有發現異狀。而昨日突然出現的脫序與犯罪行為，更讓我們深深了解，其實我們都可以成為每一位東海人身邊的天使，除了可以預防遺憾，更能讓這個校園充滿了彼此的關係，流動著我們的故事。在社會上各種聲音紛沓充斥的此刻，期盼我們都開始「多走一步、多看一眼、多聊一句」，他可能是你缺課多次的學生、翹掃很久的室友、不太往來的同學、或只是一個悶悶不樂的臉龐，走出自己的城堡，給彼此一個開始的機會吧！

身為一所大學，學校同時將成立專家委員會，邀請社會學、犯罪心理學、教育輔導等領域專家，為這次事件所引發今日大學校園友善環境問題，進行具體而深入的研討。

我們多麼不希望此事發生，但若這是必然，我們願意是發生在我們所深愛的東海。因為我們可以有不一樣的承擔，我們是一所有教育理念與力量的大學，來自願意彼此相愛的你和我，來自與東海同在的上帝，從六十年前生根，直到如今與永遠。

願上帝賜我們信心、平安與智慧，並安撫無辜受害的每一個人，東海大學有責任將遺憾轉化生命的教育行動。

東海大學秘書室敬上
話又說回來，即使要怪，哪又還輪的到學校來負責？
他的家人呢？
這是我打從一開始就在問的。直到昨天，看到兇嫌家長終於要在今天出面向社會大眾道歉。但我越想越不對。自己的孩子闖了這麼大的禍，你們擔心的只是自己的家庭被毀了，賠也賠不了，出面道歉會被打... 而不是反省自己到底哪裡做錯了？因為剛忙完婚事，要忙的事情變少了，老公想趁機多兼個差，多存點奶粉錢。這兩天老公開始兼差的工作，凌晨就得起床。第一天我怕他睡回籠覺，所以我也醒著等到他出門我才很勉強的繼續睡覺。今天清晨，老公雖不用我叫醒（因為他有比較早睡），但四點多我還是醒了。因懷孕頻尿，起來上個洗手間，回去倒頭睡之前開了手機看看幾點。看到FB有通知又好奇了多滑了幾下於是，我又在迷濛之中將宥勝在部落格中發的一篇文章看完了：［點我看文］。

此篇文章受密碼保護，請輸入密碼後閱讀。

這是我跟上天借來的短暫幸福。我一直期待著的，我得到了。但是我知道他不屬於我。在我仔細品嘗他給我的溫暖以及快樂，我很希望這是永久的滋味。但是我知道曾經有總比完全沒有過的好。
雖然遲到了，但是我終究是有過。剩下的只是記憶。但回憶直到我失憶的那天，他會一直存在著。
謝謝你帶給帶著淡淡果香的溫暖。
謝謝你讓我開心、讓我快樂、讓我再次得學會如何跨出我不敢踏出的那一步。
雖然只是借來的、短暫的... 
 
但，卻是最美味的。

**The following article is in Chinese(Traditional) only.
**本篇文章僅有中文（繁體）
 
攝於小虎家。（我只是寄住...T_T）
其實我平時就是個會想很多的人。這個想很多，通常也不見得是因為在意。我自己也常常為這種思維模式感到困擾。若是隔天有重要事情，前一天晚上一定會想一堆『萬一』來讓自己睡不著。有時候我覺得當我朋友也挺累的。要反覆地聽我抱怨、訴苦等... 最後通常都會發現我牢騷白發。我想如果有一天我朋友都不理我了，我應該會理解。
這篇文章沒什麼主題。但它的誕生，卻是因為我無意間發現了一篇我2008年八月（赴英國留學前夕）寫的感言。我心裡突然想：我有多久沒有在自己部落格上加上這種"personal"的要素了？前面說過，我是一個會想很多的人。但我想還是會有人做很多聯想。我想那不重要。我只是想要分析，但若有人想要把他解讀成另一種意思，我想我也拿你沒輒。為什麼我會突然有種很深的感觸？因為不知道是從哪時候我開始不寫比較私人的東西之後，留言量變少了。雖然人氣好像一點都沒變，可是大家留言的意願似乎變低許多。最近人氣最多的還是美食日記。可是說實在的，我既不是美食專家，也不是攝影高手，更不常出去大吃特吃。最後，再加上這裡本來就不是以食記為主打的部落格。所以關於人氣來自於食記，其實一點都沒有推動我想要去吃更多好吃的動力... 
那麼想到這裡，就不僅聯想到：那你的部落格到底在寫啥？其實本來想低調一點（加上這一陣子有另外一些私人的事情要處理），但我今年還是報了『華文部落格大獎』。這絕對不是因為我有信心今年可以抱回大獎。我覺得入圍決選已經是本格的最終極限了。但猶豫了很久，想說還是試試看吧！反正報名免費，不報白不報。每年報名都為了分類而頭痛。這到底是個什麼樣的部落格？決定跟去年報一樣的分類後才發現，或許我錯了。這次應該連初選都不會入圍。
2008年九月以前，這裡很熱鬧也很熱血。大家都會來關心一下：最近天仙的『英國行 』計畫有沒有什麼進度？辦事情辦得還順利嗎？偶爾穿插一些生活上的吃喝玩樂，還有貓咪的趣味圖文。2008年至2009年十月，更是熱鬧！因為當時只要一有有趣的事情，我當天回寢室後就會馬上寫文，即刻發文！熱騰騰的文章，最新的生活動態，大家都分享的到！尤其是當時使用的相機有將日期打上，所以我在利物浦做了什麼，大家都好像有參與到。我想也是這種即時參與感（當然還有軌道的幫忙）使得這裡在我留學英國期間熱鬧的跟夜市一樣！
回國之後，我花了好長一段時間去重新適應國內的生活。天氣熱得要人命，加上工作也不能稱得上是自己喜愛的。習慣了自己獨立生活，突然要跟家人共處一個屋簷下，又是一整個不習慣。大家都看的出來，連錢媽錢爸都擔心的說：女兒怎麼從英國回來後沒看他開心過？其實造成的因素有很多。前面講的是一些，還有其他不方便公開談的。加總起來，真的連強顏歡笑都很難。
這些我都沒有說，連Facebook的狀態也只有說我有多想英國。比較要好的幾個朋友才知道，我從2009十月回國，一直到2010九月來臺北開始新的工作後（在我七月去英國玩了三個禮拜後）我才真正的開始又笑了！
但是我還是很少在部落格寫到我私人的事情。
以前還會貼一些自己的照片。後來漸漸地自己的照片不貼了！後來有貼自己照片上來，還會記得加上馬賽克。其實要找我的照片有很難嗎？（偷偷跟你說，我的照片超好找的... ）在部落格張貼自己的生活照是會有差別嗎？親朋好友有拜訪過這裡的人都會很客氣的說：部落格寫的好棒喔！人氣好旺喔！我絕不是謙虛，而是陳述事實：真的有很好嗎？有好到你每天必逛嗎？人氣有很旺嗎？開站至今只有一天破千過。Facebook的粉絲專頁開了快一年，人數都還不到兩百。我絕非抱怨，想表達的只是：不用拿花言巧語來安慰我。這裡的圖文有一定的水平，人氣也很穩定，但絕非大家所說的那種『高人氣部落格』。扯到這裡的原因，其實是想講：我真的不是名人！但是當你走在街上開始有人目不轉睛的盯著你看，回家後（或甚至隔兩三天後）才看到留言說：天仙！你ＸＸ天是不是有再ＸＸＸ出沒啊！？我看到一個好像你的人喔！看到這種留言，老實說我真的開心不起來。因為有種被跟蹤的feel... 我不是對被認出來感到反感，而是看到我卻不認我... 如果我真的在意，那就是這個了吧！
其實我是很熱愛交友的。下次你若見到『疑似天仙』的身影，請你大膽走向你不知道是不是我的那個人，大喊一聲：天仙）））））！看那個人有沒有反應，就知道是不是我了！
另外，買了新相機後我就沒有再把日期打出。有一部分我想有寫格的大家心知肚明：不想讓全世界知道自己的行程。留學時期，打上日期是希望幾年過去，看到日期還會想起：啊！對吼！我那天在哪做了什麼！但回到台灣，總覺得壓力更大。打上日期，不知道誰哪天會說：吼～原來你那天說你在幹嘛原來是去幹嘛～～或是：吼～～你說你最近忙，原來都在玩啊～之類的。為了讓自己在完全沒壓力的情況下繼續快樂寫格，就不在把日期打上去了！最後造成的結果是：很多人還以為我人在英國還沒回台。當然，這也不怪你們。因為我不在寫私事，照片也再也沒有日期（但請注意！其實我都有說明我是什麼時候去的唷！）我想若不是真的認識我本人的，現在我在哪工作，做什麼的。我懂得有所保留。但我現在思考的是：我是否保留太多了？
現在張貼文章的模式是有空的時候1. 先整理照片（有時間就順便上傳）2. 因照片會依文章逐篇上傳，所以抓到時間寫文就只有打開草稿，把文字加上去... 有空就會寫個三四篇來放。3. 通常固定每隔一天發一次文（周末除外）以這樣的模式發文，我最高紀錄一次可以預寫好一整個月的文章。我不知道會不會有人懷疑我上班不上班都在寫文。其實文章都是預寫好的，若有占用上班時間，頂多兩三分鐘把他貼到Facebook或FunP或軌道上而已。
寫了這麼多，其實我也不知道重點到底在哪裡。前一陣子忙得要命，但我的忙都是在電腦前面的忙（所以有看我Facebook update的別懷疑...）加上心理的壓力又不是輕易能用文字呈現的。一直到這兩天"比較有閒"才靜下來把這堆積好一陣子的思緒整理了一下，跟自己攤個牌。我想我應該是想把這一陣子沒分享到比較"personal"的部分一次把他補上來吧！
最後，為了應景一下，還是要祝各位母親（或即將要升格當母親的）：母親節快樂！！

There is no future.
未來不存在。
Upon my arrival to my hometown, Taiwan, I was unhappy.  I was unhappy because I kept on dwelling on the thought that the happy life that I had so used to had come to an end.  I have no future because I do not have a job, and consequently will be unable to do the things I want to do or get the things I want to get for a while.  I had a very limited budget on which I can live.  I am unable to relax because I had gotten so used to doing things at my own pace and on my own accord.  I reported to no one, was not dependant on anyone, and neither was I responsible for anyone but myself.  Spending time with the family is obviously a reward in itself, but I find myself constantly thinking about others, and forgetting myself.  'I want to go out, but I'd better ask because they might have other things planned.'  'I want to eat this, but I'd better ask, because it would seem rude if I didn't.'  'I'd like to relax and not think or do anything for a while, but I'd better start looking for a job soon because...'  All these thoughts run across my mind a million times a day.  I was never left alone, yet I felt as lonely as I had ever felt, and consequently, the negativity and virulence soon sprouted from the lack of joy.
當我返鄉的那一剎那，我開始變得很不快樂。不快樂的原因是因為我一直回想著已經結束的快樂生活。我沒有未來，因為我目前還是處於無業狀態。沒有工作就沒有資金做自己想要做的事情、買自己想要的物品。現有的資金非常的有限。我也無法完全放鬆，因為我早就習慣了依照自己的步調做事情。我不須向任何人報告、我不需要依賴別人、也不用對任何人負責任。雖然與家人相處的時光是無價的，但我發現我時常顧慮別人卻忘了自我。『我想出門、可是我還是問一下家人有沒有已經安排計畫好了。』『我想吃這個，但我還是問一下大家有沒有也想要吃的不然不禮貌。』『我想要完全放鬆不要想任何關於工作的事情，但是...』種種思緒一整天下來在我腦子裡來回好幾遍。雖然家裡總是有人在，可是我卻感到無比的寂寞。也更因為這樣，使得我無法快樂。少了快樂，當然負面的思緒也就緊接著來。
Then, I managed to take some time off and spent it with myself.  I was given a book by a very dear friend, and after perusing only a few pages, I realised what was wrong with me.  It was not culture shock that was causing the negativities, neither was it the weather.  It was time.  I loved what was and think about what will or may be.  But I forgot to think about NOW.  I've come to realise that the reason why people have enjoyed looking at the photos of me taken in the UK was because I was truly happy there.  And the reason why I was truly happy, was because I focused on the NOW.  When I was with my friends, I enjoyed the company.  When I visited the different cathedrals and churches, I indulged myself in the present moment where I could smell the whole history in the sacred air.  Even when I was stressed out from the pressure of meeting deadlines, I was focused on the NOW, where I had to keep writing to get the work done.  I rarely thought about the past.  I did not think about the future. 
後來我終於找到了機會獨處。一位好友送了一本書給我。沒讀幾頁我就開始發現我的問題所在。這不是因為文化衝擊，也不是因為天氣悶熱。而是因為『時間』。我愛著過去，並夢想著未來。但我尚未思考到『當下』。我終於明白為何大家都稱讚在英國拍的照片中我『變漂亮』。那是因為我當時後體驗到的是真正的快樂。當我與朋友共處時，我珍惜著每一刻與他們共處的時光。當我拜訪不同教堂時，我享受著從氣味中散發出來的古老歷史的氣息。即使我在趕作業的時候，我依然還是在『當下』思考中。當時的我，很少去想到過去，也從來沒有考慮過將來。
When I realised my problem, the world began to change around me.  I started seeing light around me, and the things that I hated became things that I could laugh at and about.  I could do this because I was withdrawn from it all.  I am in it, but I am not of it.  I lost my way because I had forgotten the significance of the NOW.  The present moment.  I can dream of things to come, and savor the things that have been, but it is the present that I must learn to enjoy in order to BE. 
而當我了解我的問題所在後，我身邊的事物開始有了很大的轉變。我開始發現陽光的照耀。即使是我之前憎恨的東西，現在它們都成為了一個笑點。我現在可以做到這樣，是因為我知道我不屬於那個圈子。我是一個旁觀者。我迷失了，因為我忘了『當下』的重要性。我可以繼續夢想著未來，並且沈醉於美好的過去，但是要真正的快樂，真正的回歸到自我，我還是必須要懂得活在當下。
I've created problems in my head without realising that they are only illusions that torment the mind.  'There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.' (Hamlet) 'The mind is its own place.  In itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven.' (Paradise Lost)  I can go on all I want, hating what is around me, regretting the end of a glorious past, and dreaming of what I don't know will or will not become.  But I will never be happy this way.  I am my own self.  So long as I am in the NOW, I am myself.  And so long as I am myself, I am happy.
我在我自己的腦海中製造了一些問題。這些問題卻只不過是折騰腦袋的幻覺罷了。哈母雷特說『這是上沒有任何好或不好的事情。都是自己想出來的。』彌爾頓的失樂園中撒旦也提到：『腦子是一個獨立的地方。一個人可在腦子裡將天堂化為地域，也可將地域化為天堂。』我可以繼續思考我有多麼討厭我現在身邊所接觸到的一切，也可以繼續想像著未來的未知數。但是這樣並不會使我快樂。只有在我真正能夠體驗當下，我才是回歸到自我。只有我回歸到自我之後，我才能夠真正的快樂。
Note: The book that was mentioned in the article is called 'The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Englightenment', by Eckhart Tolle.
註：文中提到的那本書，書名做：The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment。作者為Eckhart Tolle。

2008
9/18
The beauty of the cosmos derives not only from unity in variety, but also from variety in unity.
-Umberto Eco [The Name of the Rose]

Parting is such sweet sorrow.
- The Tragedy of Romeo and Juliet.
Recently, I have often been accused of being overly sentimental.  Can you blame me?  For Taipei, not Taiwan mind you, has been a place that I have unwillingly lived with grudge.  In 2003, I came back to this city disliking it.  In the years that followed, I did not come to like it any better.  Seeing it from the Chinese point of view, Taipei and I are just not compatible in anyway. 
However, I had yet another revelation.  True.  Sentimentality is one of my biggest problems in life.  Today, I've decided to turn that into power, and show myself how great a city Taipei really is.  Not unexpectedly, I came home feeling even more sentimental, but in a very positive way. 
I was downtown on a mission of finding myself a nice, but reasonably-priced laptop bag.  With nothing else planned for the rest of the evening, I went to my usual spot, ordered a Heineken, and read my book.  After half a bottle had gone to my bladder, I was tempted into putting down my book and stare at the people and the sky with Taipei 101 in the foreground, and the white clouds pacing around in the background.  All of a sudden, I realized that Taipei is wonderful place.  Though this will not affect my decision in the future, I will always continue to deem Taipei as one of the greatest places in the world.  
So I made a few calls, sent a few sentimental text messages to my dear old friends and old students as a sign of saying farewell to this beautiful city.  Soon after that, I was ready to go home.
I took my time and enjoyed watching the people around me.  I thought to myself: I wonder if they realize what a wonderful place this is.  But it doesn't really matter.  Because experience tells me, that in order for you to really love a place, you have to leave it first.  As I waited for the light at a certain crossroad, I turn my head to the right and saw the beautiful orangy dusk sun setting into the cement building horizon.  Then, I turned my head to the left, and saw... A RAINBOW! 
I let out a loud "Wow!", but no one heard me.  That's what it's like here.  No body really cares.  I turned my head in all directions in search of anyone who had discovered the beautiful rainbow.  I found none.  I felt like shouting: LOOK THERE! YOU BLOODY FOOLS!  THERE'S A RAINBOW IN THE SKY!  But I didn't.  Why didn't I?  Perhaps there is a time for everyone to discover Taipei.  They must all come to that on their own.  No use thrusting the idea upon them now.  
The light turned green, and I followed the rush-hour crowd towards the MRT, got on and made sure that my mind had captured the distinct features of the people sharing that ride with me.  The fact that I was almost pushed over didn't even bother me like it would have usually done.  All is well.  
Here I am, sitting in front of my iBook, typing this insignificant recount of my eventless day, still feeling extremely sentimental.  Yet, I couldn't stop thinking about the rainbow.  It's good omen.  Something great and wonderful is surely awaiting at the end of it. 
I saw a rainbow today.  Tomorrow, I will walk on it to the other side.  The day after that, I will see that at the end of it, only the good awaits me.
I do set my bow in the cloud, and it shall be for a token of a covenant between me and the earth.  And it shall come to pass, when I bring a cloud over the earth, that the bow shall be seen in the cloud: And I will remember my covenant, which is between me and you and every living creature of all flesh; and the waters shall no more become a flood to destroy all flesh.
Genesis 9:13-15 (Authorized King James Version)

[六龜外婆家門外不知名的花紅尾蝶]
這次去南部見到了許多好久沒見到的朋友。也與一位格友第一次相會。除了陪伴外婆，可以說這次的收穫特別多。不過因為遠離自己熟悉的環境，加上在外婆家有許多思考的時間[換句話說就是想太多...]，使得我現在整個陷入一個非常複雜的情緒。
不過光看我碎碎念怕大家閒無聊。順便也看些在六龜拍到的一些大小植物。 
 
[知道的請告訴我～英文叫做Blackberry Lily]
[一拖拉褲的檳榔]
[檳榔&外婆的手]
[鄉公所的大樹]
[外婆家門前的夜來香]
[夜來香花苞特寫]
[外婆親手砍掉的夜來香...]
要上車之前才發現外婆將門口的夜來香給整個剪掉了。因為隔天傍晚才看到完整的模樣，很訝異外婆的體力這麼好，可以在我早上起床前就把他處理掉。看來這一年我應該是可以不用太擔心他身體的狀況。雖然還是有點不捨，但都已經走到這了，外婆也獻上他自己的祝福了，唯一能做的就是好好把他完成囉。
說到這，不免讓我覺得自己這段求學過程是否有點太過小題大做了？出國留學每年有幾千幾萬人在出國留學。身邊也有好幾位友人都已經修到博士學位了。也有很多同學早已經從各國留學回來，開始發展自己的事業、過著穩定的生活了。我有必要這麼囂張嗎？
好啦，我也知道自己的路走起來比許多人困難些。而且不是每個出國留學的是真心想出國留學的。有些人是想趁機出國玩。有的人是想趁機體驗國外生活。更有人是因為不知道接下來該做什麼，乾脆出國留學算了的。總之，『出國留學』已經不算是一件很稀有的事情了。但在外婆眼裡，他是把他看得很了不起。
見到人就說：『我這孫女要去英國！』見到他那副驕傲的模樣，我堅信自己這幾年來打拼的結果是對的。雖然說留學為的最終還是為了自己，但沒有家人的支持、肯定，任何事情都會像咬了一口的甜甜圈：不圓滿。
或許是一個夢做了太久，已經習慣天天想著要如何去實現。當他真的發生了，心裡的恐懼漸漸的浮上水面。奇怪，好像實現一個夢想，比接受一個成真的夢想還要困難。
雖然很高興有這麼多朋友在部落格上陪伴著，一起鼓勵與支持。但看到大家的留言趨勢也就知道，真的要完成一個夢想真的不容易。因為講到後來，其實除了恭喜、祝福，還是恭喜、祝福。這道也不是說這樣不好。好啊！當然好。能得到祝福當然是一件好事。只是由此可見，真的，要完成夢想不容易。要支持別人完成夢想，也不容易。
今天開始算起剩不到半個月的時間。
我常常開始在幻想自己到了曼撤斯特機場後，吸進一口英國空氣馬上以淚洗面的景象。好好笑。為什麼大家都可以把留學看得這麼輕鬆。就只有我傻呼呼的把他當成『人生大事』。對我來說，他比結婚還重要。他比我現在有的事業還重要。畢竟結了婚哪能這麼輕鬆的出去趴趴走？就算家人讓你去，你也不見得放的下心去。何況這幾年每天工作忍受主任、家長、孩子的各式各樣考驗都是為了圓一個小小的留學夢。
寫了這麼多，其實我也不知道自己到底想要表達的是什麼。不過由此可見，此時此刻我的心情真的是非常的複雜。一方面我很難以置信我對台灣會有這麼的不捨。我對台北會有這麼多的不捨。這幾年來一直想離開，到了離開的前夕，卻又一直捨不得。但要我在繼續多住一年，我又會開始嫌東嫌西...。台灣是個好地方。雖然他對我真的不是很公平。台北也是個不錯的地方。但他真的不適合我居住。
總而言之，現在的心情只有兩個字可以形容：『複雜！』          

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You must forgive me for writing this in English, for I know not how to put my feelings into Chinese characters in such a way that would precisely portray how I am feeling right now. 
Doughnut and Latte at Mister Donut
Having a dream is what makes life meaningful. Yet, when that dream takes too long to fulfill, it often deteriorates into oblivion.  When it is on the verge of becoming an actuality, it takes even more courage to accept the fact that it has come true as opposed to accepting the failure of realizing it.  The longer the process takes, the deeper the impact your dream will have on you.
Sometimes during the process, you may encounter those who either discourage you from making it happen, or those who do not believe you will ever withstand the test of time or overcome the obstacles that you will have to face along the way.  Fortunately, there will also be those who believe, support, and assist you. 
Having gone through this entire process of formulating the dream to planning to make it happen, I find myself on the very verge of embracing this ten-year dream of going to England.  The feeling is indescribable.  It is exciting.  It is nerve-wrecking.  Sometimes it is neither.  Yet, other times it is both. 
Today, I have completed the process of my visa application.  After this, the only thing that is left for me to do would be for me to 'fly' towards my destination.  The application process went rather smoothly.  It was quite surprising, considering the fact that England had once been a target of terrorist attack, they would have to be extremely prudent in scrutnizing the background of every single individual that is to enter their country.  As I am a decent citizen of the world, and had always been, I have no doubt my visa should be easily granted.
After leaving my prints in their database, I bought myself a doughnut and a cup of latte as a celebration of completing this final process.  As I left for work an hour later, I suddenly realized that in less than two-months, I will finally be leaving this godforsaken place.
Taiwan.  It's my home.  It was once a place that seemed so estranged to me.  I remember coming back during summer breaks as a teenager, fearing to go anywhere without someone accompanying me.  I would frequently be lost and had to call for help.  I would not know where to go, where to eat, and how to get to places.  I feared the buses.  I feared the streets.  I feared even going down stairs to a nearby store to buy a drink.  Everything seemed to be such a big deal.  I knew so little about the place, and yet it was my home.  I defended it by standing up against my economics teacher who made a comment about our fist-fighting congress meetings.  I spread its reputation by showing off my writing utensils and other stationeries that could only be bought in Taiwan.  I missed Taiwan, without really knowing the place.
When I returned for college, I discovered that our congress meetings continued their fist-fighting fiascos.  Nonetheless, I enjoyed my time here because I made many new friends and had my share of 'fun'.  Life was good.  Taiwan was good.  It was after I began working that I began to adopt negative feelings about my own home.  I respected my job.  It was a respectable one.  Yet not all deemed it so.  Parents wanted me to compromise my unique techniques of teaching because their children's school grades had made no progress, while failing to acknowledge the fact that they had finally learned to read, spell, and speak a little English.  My superiors acknowledge my skills, but refuse to pay me higher wages because I hold no passport from an English speaking nation.  Children would discard my comments on grammar or other related matters simply because their school teacher had stated otherwise, even the ones that knew and believed that my ability is above their school teacher's did the same.
On top of that, my country, whom I had loved unconditionally after all these years, denied me a loan to finance my academic pursuit simply because I had not completed high school here.  This was despite the fact that my father had worked for the government for three solid decades.  Soon, I got sick of all the denials that my country had rewarded me and became desperate to leave.
Now, standing where I am, I look around and suddenly realize how much I had loved, still love, and always will love this godforsaken place.  I love how it gets so hot that your brain freezes when you walk into an air-conditioned facility.  I love how people trample on you and then stare at you as if YOU had done something wrong.  I love how everyone knows that night market food is one the the world's most disgusting and unhealthy foods, but can never resist the temptation.  I love how taxi drivers drive without the slightest respect to other vehicles or pedestrians, and I certainly love the way they decorate the streets with traffic lights.  I also love the fact that Christmas music can be heard all year round.   You may think I am being sarcastic, and you may have been right if I had said this a couple months back.
I walked to the MRT with tears intermingled with joy and sadness.  All of the things that I loved and hated, all the things that I had been taking for granted, will have to be left behind.  Taiwan is so capable of change that within a year, it could become a complete stranger to me.  This is what makes it so hard to let go.
I do not know where the future will lead me.  I do not know whether I will choose to live here again.  I do not know what will become of Taiwan.  What I do know, is that you only come to cherish something, even things that you think you loath, when you are about to let it go.
Thank goodness I realized it now, before it is all too late.  During the remainder of my time here before I take off, I will come to love it like I have never loved it before.  I will then pack that love away and secure it in the depth of my heart as to preserve it forever. 
It will always be with me, no matter where I am.  Whether in Liverpool, Chiang Mai, or anywhere else in this universe, it will always be - HOME.