天仙 x小仙女 x 倫敦熊的後花園
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Wednesday morning, I woke up feeling very depressed about what was about to happen during the day. As I progressed, I thought: may be there is no need for this. But deep down inside, I knew it was the best, well, the most appropriate thing to do.
星期三早上一起來，就感到非常的難過。因為我想到當天即將會發生的事情。我走著走著邊想：也許沒這個必要。但內心深處我想這是最好的、換言之是最恰當的安排。
The walk took about eight to ten minutes. It felt like an hour. Or even more. Still feeling rather dubious about the deed, my footsteps got heavier as I approached our destination. You felt uneasy. You knew something was not right. But you trusted me somehow. I gave you infinite kisses, and tried to calm you each second, wondering if you would forgive me and understand that this had to be done in order for a better future to come upon us.
路程大概只有短短的八到十分鐘。對我來說卻像是一小時，甚至更久。一路上我還是對這安排感到疑惑。腳步也就變得更沈重。你也感到忐忑不安。你知道事情有點不對。但你還是依然相信我。我無時無刻親吻你、安撫你。希望你能夠了解我為什麼做這樣的安排。希望你明白，這是唯一能讓我們有更美好的未來的途徑。
When we reached our destination, the details of the procedure was explained to me. I was to leave you there, after I held you for the anesthetic shot. In his eyes, I sensed fear. That feeling soon subsided. And what took place was despair and helplessness. Did you know what was about to be done to you? Would you ever understand my reasoning? Would you ever forgive me? Would you still be the same? I was told to come and pick you up a few hours later.
到達目的地之後，我了解了程序的細節。在我抓住你，再你打了麻醉藥之後，我必須再幾小時後再回來接你。看著你的眼神慢慢的由恐懼轉化為絕望與無助。針，打再你身；痛在我心。你知道我做了什麼嗎？你會了解嗎？你會原諒我嗎？你還會跟以往一樣嗎？
I walked out and went home. On the way, I couldn't help but shed a few tears. I'm deeply sorry for having to do this. I really wanted you to have a family of your own. So did Daddy. We wanted you to have your little kittens, because then, you would be exactly what he was born to be: a kingly feline.
在回家的路上，我再也無法控制的留下幾滴淚水。心裡感到好愧疚。我真的很盼你有自己的家庭。把拔也是。我們原本都很期待看到你帶著自己的孩子到處跑。因為這就是你生下來的目的：當一隻名副其實的貓王。
A few hours passed. I went back to pick you up. The eyes. They didn't look the same. And I sensed that it would never be the same, ever again. I was given a detailed description of how I should take care of you while you recover. Took the three-day prescription, and carried you home.
幾小時過去了。我來接你回家。那眼神，變得不一樣了。我想以後也不可能在看到同樣的眼神。在被告知如何照料你之後我把你帶了回家。
It felt like I was carrying home a different soul. Your most precious part was given to me, and I vowed inside myself to keep it for you forever. Because of the guilt I felt, and because I know that's what daddy would have wanted me to do. To have to let you go through this was enough to damn me into hell and perhaps a place next to Brutus had been reserved for me. I can't come to forgive myself.
感覺上好像你的靈魂被換走了。你最珍貴的一部份，我幫你保留了起來。除了是因為要掩飾自己的罪惡感之外，另一方面也是因為我知道那是把拔也希望的。對你的背叛，我怎麼也忘不了。也許在十八層地域，他們已經幫我準備了一個位子，就等我下去。我無法原諒我自己。
That afternoon, I tried to give you as much love as I could offer. You seemed to be indifferent. Either you were angry at what I had done, or you had the least clue about what was happening to your body. What had happened to that excessive energy? I was so frightened that you might not want to jump onto my bed and sleep with me no more. I was so scared thinking about the thoughts that might be flowing through your little brain. What were you thinking?
那天下午，我嘗試著給你我所有的愛與關懷。你好像不怎麼在乎。或許是你在生我的氣。又或許你完全不知道你的身體有了什麼變化。那永無止境的充沛精神跑哪去了？我好怕好怕，你會不會就此不再跳上床陪我睡覺。我好怕好怕，你小腦袋理想著些什麼。
I tried talking to you. Angelino: I'm really sorry. It was for the best. I'm really sorry that I had to do this. Please forgive me.
我對你說：對不起！我真的很對不起你。但這是有必要的。請你原諒我！
You will never know how relieved I felt when you jumped onto my bed that night, and lay down beside my leg for a good night's sleep. Even though you will never be the same, my love for you, and daddy's love for you, will never diminish. It will only increase. And we promise, that we will work at our hardest to give you the best life you can ever imagine. Please give us some time. It will happen.
你永遠都無法了解當天晚上當你跳上我的床，願意在我腳邊陪我睡覺時我心中有多麼的高興！雖然你已經不一樣了，但我和把拔對你的愛永遠不會減少！只會增加！我們答應你，會努力的將你夢想中的生活帶來給你。給我們一點時間，它一定會實現的！
When I look at you, and start to feel guilty about what you had to go through, I told myself: it's all right, because Angelino is irreplaceable. You are singular. You are unique. No other cat will ever come to replace what you stand for in our heart.
每當我看著你，心裡總是充滿的罪惡感。你必須經過的...我無法想像。我告訴我自己：沒關係，因為Angelo無可取代！你是獨一無二的！沒有第二隻貓能夠取代你在我們心中的地位！
[後記]
原本想用貓咪的角度寫這篇，但想了又想我實在無法代替它原諒自己。其他事情我可以大膽揣測。唯獨這件事情，我必須尊重它自己的想法。所以最後還是用我自己的角度來告解...
星期三早上一起來，就感到非常的難過。因為我想到當天即將會發生的事情。我走著走著邊想：也許沒這個必要。但內心深處我想這是最好的、換言之是最恰當的安排。
The walk took about eight to ten minutes. It felt like an hour. Or even more. Still feeling rather dubious about the deed, my footsteps got heavier as I approached our destination. You felt uneasy. You knew something was not right. But you trusted me somehow. I gave you infinite kisses, and tried to calm you each second, wondering if you would forgive me and understand that this had to be done in order for a better future to come upon us.
路程大概只有短短的八到十分鐘。對我來說卻像是一小時，甚至更久。一路上我還是對這安排感到疑惑。腳步也就變得更沈重。你也感到忐忑不安。你知道事情有點不對。但你還是依然相信我。我無時無刻親吻你、安撫你。希望你能夠了解我為什麼做這樣的安排。希望你明白，這是唯一能讓我們有更美好的未來的途徑。
When we reached our destination, the details of the procedure was explained to me. I was to leave you there, after I held you for the anesthetic shot. In his eyes, I sensed fear. That feeling soon subsided. And what took place was despair and helplessness. Did you know what was about to be done to you? Would you ever understand my reasoning? Would you ever forgive me? Would you still be the same? I was told to come and pick you up a few hours later.
到達目的地之後，我了解了程序的細節。在我抓住你，再你打了麻醉藥之後，我必須再幾小時後再回來接你。看著你的眼神慢慢的由恐懼轉化為絕望與無助。針，打再你身；痛在我心。你知道我做了什麼嗎？你會了解嗎？你會原諒我嗎？你還會跟以往一樣嗎？
I walked out and went home. On the way, I couldn't help but shed a few tears. I'm deeply sorry for having to do this. I really wanted you to have a family of your own. So did Daddy. We wanted you to have your little kittens, because then, you would be exactly what he was born to be: a kingly feline.
在回家的路上，我再也無法控制的留下幾滴淚水。心裡感到好愧疚。我真的很盼你有自己的家庭。把拔也是。我們原本都很期待看到你帶著自己的孩子到處跑。因為這就是你生下來的目的：當一隻名副其實的貓王。
A few hours passed. I went back to pick you up. The eyes. They didn't look the same. And I sensed that it would never be the same, ever again. I was given a detailed description of how I should take care of you while you recover. Took the three-day prescription, and carried you home.
幾小時過去了。我來接你回家。那眼神，變得不一樣了。我想以後也不可能在看到同樣的眼神。在被告知如何照料你之後我把你帶了回家。
It felt like I was carrying home a different soul. Your most precious part was given to me, and I vowed inside myself to keep it for you forever. Because of the guilt I felt, and because I know that's what daddy would have wanted me to do. To have to let you go through this was enough to damn me into hell and perhaps a place next to Brutus had been reserved for me. I can't come to forgive myself.
感覺上好像你的靈魂被換走了。你最珍貴的一部份，我幫你保留了起來。除了是因為要掩飾自己的罪惡感之外，另一方面也是因為我知道那是把拔也希望的。對你的背叛，我怎麼也忘不了。也許在十八層地域，他們已經幫我準備了一個位子，就等我下去。我無法原諒我自己。
That afternoon, I tried to give you as much love as I could offer. You seemed to be indifferent. Either you were angry at what I had done, or you had the least clue about what was happening to your body. What had happened to that excessive energy? I was so frightened that you might not want to jump onto my bed and sleep with me no more. I was so scared thinking about the thoughts that might be flowing through your little brain. What were you thinking?
那天下午，我嘗試著給你我所有的愛與關懷。你好像不怎麼在乎。或許是你在生我的氣。又或許你完全不知道你的身體有了什麼變化。那永無止境的充沛精神跑哪去了？我好怕好怕，你會不會就此不再跳上床陪我睡覺。我好怕好怕，你小腦袋理想著些什麼。
I tried talking to you. Angelino: I'm really sorry. It was for the best. I'm really sorry that I had to do this. Please forgive me.
我對你說：對不起！我真的很對不起你。但這是有必要的。請你原諒我！
You will never know how relieved I felt when you jumped onto my bed that night, and lay down beside my leg for a good night's sleep. Even though you will never be the same, my love for you, and daddy's love for you, will never diminish. It will only increase. And we promise, that we will work at our hardest to give you the best life you can ever imagine. Please give us some time. It will happen.
你永遠都無法了解當天晚上當你跳上我的床，願意在我腳邊陪我睡覺時我心中有多麼的高興！雖然你已經不一樣了，但我和把拔對你的愛永遠不會減少！只會增加！我們答應你，會努力的將你夢想中的生活帶來給你。給我們一點時間，它一定會實現的！
When I look at you, and start to feel guilty about what you had to go through, I told myself: it's all right, because Angelino is irreplaceable. You are singular. You are unique. No other cat will ever come to replace what you stand for in our heart.
每當我看著你，心裡總是充滿的罪惡感。你必須經過的...我無法想像。我告訴我自己：沒關係，因為Angelo無可取代！你是獨一無二的！沒有第二隻貓能夠取代你在我們心中的地位！
[後記]
原本想用貓咪的角度寫這篇，但想了又想我實在無法代替它原諒自己。其他事情我可以大膽揣測。唯獨這件事情，我必須尊重它自己的想法。所以最後還是用我自己的角度來告解...
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